Furiously happy, dangerously sad

I've found a kindred soul and he has a very healthy coat

My phone is more fun to hang out with than me

I have a sleep disorder and it's probably going to kill me or someone else

How many carbs are in a foot?

Pretend you're good at it

George Washington's dildo

I'm not psychotic. I just need to get in front of you in line.

Why would I want to do more when I'm already doing so well at nothing?

What I say to my shrink vs. what I mean

LOOK AT THIS GIRAFFE

The fear

Skinterventions and Bangtox

It's like your pants are bragging at me

Nice bass

It's hard to tell which of us is mentally ill

I left my heart in San Francisco. (But replace "San Francisco" with "near the lemur house" and replace "heart" with a sad question mark.)

Stock up on snow globes. The zombie apocalypse is coming.

Appendix: an interview with the author

I'm turning into a zombie one organ at a time

Cats are selfish yawners and they're totally getting away with it

Koalas are full of chlamydia

Voodoo vagina

The world needs to go on a diet. Literally.

Crazy like a reverse fox

An essay on parsley, wasabi, cream cheese, and soup

And then I got three dead cats in the mail

Things I may have accidentally said during uncomfortable silences

My skeleton is potaterrific

It's called "catouflage"

We're better than Galileo, because he's dead.

Things my father taught me

I'm going to die. Eventually.

And this is why I prefer to cut my own hair

It's all in how you look at it (the book of Nelda)

Well at least your nipples are covered

Death by swans is not a glamorous as you'd expect

The big quiz

Cat lamination

That baby was delicious

These cookies know nothing of my work

It might be easier. But it wouldn't be better.

Epilogue: Deep in the trenches.